35 posts tagged musing

hell maybe most of this is because it’s almost one am and I’m just feeling things more

I don’t like going on facebook. there’s nothing to say, no life updates. I love seeing what my friends that I don’t get to see (whether it’s I don’t have time to see them or they live far away) are up to, but… seeing that post box is like an expectation to say something, and what is there to say. like. hey guys I burned out of my job and maybe even tried to kill myself I’m not sure it’s complicated but looking forward to moving to Chicago in 2015 xoxo just

I feel comfortable on here because internet friendships are so very real—you all either found my blog out of the blue or I found yours first and here we are together. Maybe I’m just wandering across your dashboard and you’re here for the funny pictures. maybe you’re jacking off to the guys I post (you should really ask for my other tumblr if that’s why you’re here). maybe you’re dying for me to write more poetry (bless you). but it’s… saying it’s a choice isn’t the right word. but what’s holding you here? nothing. you could get up and go at any point.

and some of you even go out of your way to message me and be nice and that still floors me

it’s not that my facebook friends are artificial. far from it. but I can’t just go on facebook on the days my mental health is low and vent about that. god that night in july would just have, well, I don’t know honestly.

the fact that I have so much stuff that’s happening and on my mind and none of it fits in that little “say what’s happening” or whatever box makes me feel like I’m in the closet in a way. so. I avoid it. and thus kinda have another excuse to stay away from friends, even if I had the time to hang out that much.

meanwhile I’m here just sort of going through the motions of my job and life until I feel like I can really get going.

maybe that’s the defining trait of being a millennial. always having to wait for that one thing before you can really start the car and get this thing going.

I don’t fear being alone and not being loved—I fear that ten years from now I might still be waiting.

don’t read this and worry about me. the first 25 years of my life are now over, and the next 25 are ready to begin. I just needed to get this all out there before I fall asleep

somewhere inside me there is a poem that I can’t write and it’s driving me crazy. this helps somewhat.

goodnight everyone, tomorrow is another day

Tuesday, March 18th: You know I already said goodnight but I can’t get this thought out of my mind: that life isn’t just a nice little neat package of written chapters delivered into your lap… but I can’t help but wonder what spring has in store this year.
Wednesday, July 16th: I got triggered on my way home I’m sitting in my car crying I don’t know I don’t know it was the highway I’m scared I don’t
Friday, July 18th: I got off that highway as fast as I could and I slowly drove home and cried you guys until you’ve looked inside your own mind and seen something somewhere is so fucking fucked up that against your own will you were going to try and kill yourself…
Friday, July 18th: I am not afraid.
Monday, September 29th: August next year. Rain or shine. I’m moving on.

Don’t let me forget this. Don’t let me change this. Don’t let me ignore this.

I got the answer I needed that night in July, and it told me everything I needed to know. What this job was going to do to me.

I subbed today and it just reminded myself of everything that I actually want to do with my life.

I told the teachers at the school I subbed at, I told mom, I told one of my best friends from work.

Rain or shine. Next August. I’m quitting this job. I’ll either sub full time, maybe I’ll have another job (doubt it), or, the goal, I will be moving to Chicago with $6k+ in my savings to have 10 months of bills saved up.

This is my map I’ve been writing about. This is the border I’ve been dreaming of. I have basically one more year to get through, and then it’ll be another new chapter.

This last one I think closed with a burn out. But I survived. And I will survive this next one.

Because the one after is going to be so fucking great I can taste it.

Let’s do this.

so lately I really just wanna hole up in a coffee shop somewhere and just sit all morning and people watch and write and just kinda exist

because when I work this much (and tbh, I am not working as much as I used to. I’ve been mostly at the 55 hour mark, compared to the 75 I was pulling) I feel like I don’t exist. I don’t have time to keep up on any friendships outside of work. I don’t have time to be healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally, anything). I can’t really plan for the future or even be in the present. I just get by.

I really want to just up and fly away to Chicago, but the fact that I have to at least make $600 a month just for my bills puts a wet blanket on that. that’s just my student loans + car payment… not including the insurance (which I can probs at least pay the full year before I move) or eating expenses or if I pay rent (I might be able to live with Derek’s mother-in-law). it’s a hindrance and I’d love to save up a bunch of money so that the first few months would be worry free but I haven’t had the time to make any plans.

I guess I’m just feeling this even more lately because my server staffing just got messed up when some people put in some late notice and I’m looking at another week that will probably be hell (I haven’t even been able to write the new schedule yet because I haven’t been able to pin some people down on their availability and the new schedule takes effect wednesday). 

I’m ready to be done I just need to sit down and make a plan so that it can happen… how much I need to save, how much my remaining bills are so that I can focus on paying them down, and then get in contact with my Chicago friends so I can make this happen. I know from experience even making minimum wage (what I used to make) if I can at least get 30 hours I’m okay, and given that I’ll be trying to focus on subbing I should be fine until summer (depending on when I move out there).

It’s all moot point because I don’t plan on going anywhere before Christmas… I at least want to give this company that much time. But I think come January I’m going to start setting some wheels in motion. Ideally I’ll stick it out through the summer since I won’t have anything up in Chicago anyway, but Jesus that’s a whole another year in this job and I’m not even through the first year yet…

I just want to be able to feel like an actual person again, but something tells me that the life track I’m on isn’t ever going to allow for that. But I’ll take any improvement I can get.

The way you handle yourself and the way you handle words. Both are truly an art. You seem to be much more true to you and of course you have some bad moment but like you don't let others define you. I don't know I guess I'm kind of nervous to explain myself.
AnonymousAsked by Anonymous

Oh my goodness no this is perfect this makes sense to me. (okay this ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would let me put it under a read more)

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does anyone else get angry when you’re in a place that you know isn’t “safe” and your sexuality becomes a weapon that other people can use against you

like even when I’m around people that are otherwise friendly towards me. knowing that the space I’m in isn’t a “safe place” to be gay or to be out. that my identity could become a knife that they could use to cut me out.

It makes me. If not angry. Feel dangerous. As if I’m more potent that any other single person in the room.

No single part of me is made to be a weapon. Nor is the sum of my existence to be a tool to be used by others.

And in the same vein, I am through with weaponizing myself to slice various pieces of me into whatever collage best fits each vista, through with feeling like I carry a harmful secret with me wherever I go.

It’s the difference between going through life being an “other” rather than being a “person.”

This is why I’m ready to move and start fresh. I’m ready to be who I am rather than who I have to be for each person or setting that I’m in. 

This isn’t really an angsty or depressive post or really anything with any emotion in it at all. It’s more of just… life. And I wanted to get it out there.

Maybe somebody else will read this and know they’re not the only one.

you know I already said goodnight but I cant get this thought out of my mind

that life isn’t just a nice little neat package of written chapters delivered into your lap where each section has a nice little ending that gives you closure to everything that’s been happening to you

and spring has been really kind the past several years. where in 2010 it began the slide, and in 2011 it kinda wrapped that up before the big fall and then 2012 derek and ellen got married and 2013 I met with my mentor teacher from my student teaching and just feels and

life doesn’t really come in nice little chapters like that every single year

but I can’t help but wonder

what spring has in store this year

Speaking of Poetry: Fallen

This is the collection that caused me to stop writing Speaking of Poetry back stories to my poems. More so even than Breaking nearly did, which I finally wrote what at the time was just over a month after I had finished it. I never did think I would write one for Fallen.

Fallen isn’t just about depression, it’s about being (obsessively) in love.

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