hell maybe most of this is because it’s almost one am and I’m just feeling things more
I don’t like going on facebook. there’s nothing to say, no life updates. I love seeing what my friends that I don’t get to see (whether it’s I don’t have time to see them or they live far away) are up to, but… seeing that post box is like an expectation to say something, and what is there to say. like. hey guys I burned out of my job and maybe even tried to kill myself I’m not sure it’s complicated but looking forward to moving to Chicago in 2015 xoxo just
I feel comfortable on here because internet friendships are so very real—you all either found my blog out of the blue or I found yours first and here we are together. Maybe I’m just wandering across your dashboard and you’re here for the funny pictures. maybe you’re jacking off to the guys I post (you should really ask for my other tumblr if that’s why you’re here). maybe you’re dying for me to write more poetry (bless you). but it’s… saying it’s a choice isn’t the right word. but what’s holding you here? nothing. you could get up and go at any point.
and some of you even go out of your way to message me and be nice and that still floors me
it’s not that my facebook friends are artificial. far from it. but I can’t just go on facebook on the days my mental health is low and vent about that. god that night in july would just have, well, I don’t know honestly.
the fact that I have so much stuff that’s happening and on my mind and none of it fits in that little “say what’s happening” or whatever box makes me feel like I’m in the closet in a way. so. I avoid it. and thus kinda have another excuse to stay away from friends, even if I had the time to hang out that much.
meanwhile I’m here just sort of going through the motions of my job and life until I feel like I can really get going.
maybe that’s the defining trait of being a millennial. always having to wait for that one thing before you can really start the car and get this thing going.
I don’t fear being alone and not being loved—I fear that ten years from now I might still be waiting.
don’t read this and worry about me. the first 25 years of my life are now over, and the next 25 are ready to begin. I just needed to get this all out there before I fall asleep
somewhere inside me there is a poem that I can’t write and it’s driving me crazy. this helps somewhat.
goodnight everyone, tomorrow is another day